The personal conflict script – understanding and controlling your own triggers

Knowing personal triggers can help you not to feel at the mercy of conflicts, but to control your own behaviour actively and purposefully. Triggers can activate inner sources of pain that guide your reactions in a negative way.

Method

These questions can be helpful to reflect on individual triggers:

Personal conflict script

• Which conflicts have I experienced in the past?
• What was the worst thing that happened to me regarding conflicts?
• What was the best thing that happened to me regarding conflicts?
• Which role models do I have in arguing, disputing, and resolving conflicts?
• How was and is conflict dealt with in my family?
• Which experiences do I particularly remember? How do I judge these in retrospect?
• What have I learnt from previous conflicts?
• How is conflict dealt with in my organisation?
• Which people or situations do I react sensitively to? How exactly: Is there a pattern: if... then...?
• What attitudes and resolution patterns in conflicts would I like to see in the future? What do I want to work on?
• How could I notice such change in attitudes in myself in the next conflict situation?
• What would be different then?

Awareness of your own sensitivities

• Which people, events, situations make me aggressive?
• Which people, things, situations make me nervous?
• Which behaviours, gestures, words make me switch off?
• What makes me angry?
• Which people, things, situations frustrate me?
• Which situations, things, people irritate me?
• When do I feel uncomfortable?
• Which feelings, situations, people would I like to be able to deal with more confidently?

Projections and similarities with the "enemy"

• Which characteristics and behaviours do I find particularly repulsive in my opponent?
• Which of my characteristics and behaviours do I like least about myself if I am completely honest?
• Which characteristics of my opponent are similar to my own disturbing characteristics?
• How have I dealt with my disturbing characteristics so far?
• When and how have I been able to successfully improve something about myself? When and how was I not successful in doing so?
• Do I know how my opponent is trying to work on his negative characteristics?
• How do I react to my opponent's unpleasant characteristics?
• Have I let my opponent know that these qualities bother me? If so, how did I point them out?
• Were my hints helpful to my opponent? If so, how do I see that this was the case?
• Was I able to give my hints in a way that made my opponent open up to them? How did I manage to do this?
• Conversely, to what extent did I receive hints from my opponent about shortcomings that bothered him or her about me? How did she or he do this?
• What did these hints trigger in me? What feelings did this trigger in me? Was I able to accept these hints?
• How did I respond to these hints? What were my reactions?
• Could I respond to my opponent's hints in a different way at the next opportunity? Which behaviours might be more appropriate?

Goleman, D. et. al. (2008). Self-Awareness. Harvard Business Review: Boston.

Contact

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